Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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