I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
