This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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