so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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