I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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