Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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