smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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