Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize