I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
