I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
