in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
