dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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