Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
