get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
