I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize