sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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