from now on my penis is your penis
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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