People in love make me want to vomit
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
