his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
