Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
