so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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