No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
