I wanna bring you to show and tell
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
