The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
