I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
