Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
