Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
