I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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