when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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