The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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