I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
