You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The air was thick with penises
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
