how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my shit smells like andre
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
