I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
