these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
