Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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