YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
