I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
