My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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