If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize