So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
