I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
