Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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