Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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