Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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