totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
