It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
