Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
