I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
