living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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