Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
3 2 1 whiskey
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
