Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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