Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
