I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
