By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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