The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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