I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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